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LEAKED: Full Text of President Donald Trump's First Foreign Speech

OK, legally I can't tell you how I got my hands on this... but below is the full, leaked, text of Donald Trump's first foreign speech, written by him in the toilet of Air Force One, on his way to Saudi Arabia...

I've typed it up in full beneath the photo, because his handwriting is terrible.



-Julian Gough


 Photo of President Donald Trump's first foreign speech



FROM: President Donald Trump

TO: The speach guy

RE: My trip to Saudi Arabia, Isreal, and the Vatican. (That’s in Belgum, right?)


I know I’m supposed to write a different speach for each country, but I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, no politician in history has ever had as much on their plate as me, I write so many speaches, great speaches, very Presidential, the best speaches, a lot of people are saying. So, you get one speach.

Here is my speach.

Tell McMaster not to mess with it.


My Foriegn Speach


It is a pleasure, and an honour, for you to stand here today. It seems so recently that I won the biggest electoral college victory ever, and humiliated Crooked Hilary, AND WHERE ARE THOSE EMAILS, HEY? (Leave a little pause here on the teleprompter, for cheers.) And now, here I stand, the winner, in

Saudi Arabia


the Vatican

(Just knock off the ones I’m not in.)


And you’re probably asking, what is a winner like me doing in a place like this? Because let’s face it, you guys are great, great guys, but you haven’t done a lot lately. Some people might say you’ve been a little pussy-whipped by all the feminism, hey guys? I’m not saying it, but some people say that. Well, I’m here on the tour, biggest tour ever, because I love the Islam, and Jewish people, and the Catholics, they’re all the same to me. Great guys. At least you’re not rapists, like the Mexicans. (NOTE: Ivanka just told me Mexicans ARE Catholics. Can you be both? Check this. May have to change line to, “At least you’re not rapists like the Mexicans. Except the Catholics. You’re rapists.”)


People say I’m a racist, but that is totally not true. I don’t see colour. I see money. Money is very fair, very not racist. Even some black people are allowed to have money, and I don’t have any problem with that. Bill Cosby. OJ. Great guys, personal friends of mine. So I’m not a racist. And when I look around

the Mecca


the Vatican


with the gold roofs and the gold, what are them towers called, and the gold ceilings, I see a lot of money. You are good people. Great taste!


The Islam




Is a great brand! And believe me, I know a great brand with great taste and a global reach when I see it. We should work closer together. Amazing branding opportunities, for both of us. For instance, a golf course. This place could do with a golf course. People can’t pray all day, they need to relax after a hard day’s praying. It’s, you know, humanitarian. Talk to my kids later, they’ll be around. Trump and God, you can see it right? Together at last. Beautiful. A lot of gold. Tasteful. Great branding. They call it sinnergy now. Sinnergy! Hard word. A lot of people don’t know that word. But I do.


And you’re standing there wondering, do I love you? Really love you? Because people say I don’t love the foriegn. Liars say it. The press, fake media. Not true. Not true. I love the foreign! I love foreign golf courses, Scotland, Alaska, Hawaii, Rhode Island. I love foreign money, with the little faces on it. I love foreign burgers. A Royale with cheese! I love that. Love that. I love foreign ice cream. I love foreign pussy. Bring me some later. Ha ha! Just joking. The media never know when I’m joking. Crazy. (NOTE: Not joking. Can you arrange that? Also, the ice cream. Extra scoop. Later. Off camera. That’s important. NO CAMERAS FOR THE SECOND SCOOP.)


And the Islam! The Islam. What can I say about the Islam. (Someone put something nice in here about the Islam. But not too nice. Don’t let Steve write it, I’m gonna be in the Mecca, very hot there, touchy people, and they have those swords. Do research, go on the Wikipedia. Miller knows how.)


Goddamn it, now Ivanka tells me Belgum isn’t in the Vatican. It’s another country, a different one. Four countries! You guys are killing me. People don’t know Belgum is a country, they should write it in their name, Belgum (A Country), it’s causing confusion, they could get into trouble.


Does Belgum really need its own piece of speach? I could reuse the Islam piece, there’s a lot of the Islam in Belgum now, right? OK, OK, Ivanka says no, fine, fine, I’ll write some more.


Belgum… that’s the waffles, right?




Uh, had a little nap.




Had another nap.


Got to go, golf.


I’ll wing it.


OK, that’s my speech.




(See, I even made that foriegn, for the Japs.)




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